The question, "Can we talk?" addresses feasibility, phrased differently, "May we talk?" asks permission. I want to focus on feasibility here because to make it possible for us to be in relationship we must know each other, we must be able to listen and understand what has transpired in our respective lives that shapes our perspective. So what is it that makes makes conversing, especially about differences of opinion or aspects of our personal behavior, so challenging at times?
For myself, I know that if my wife says in a serious tone of voice, something like, "We need to talk!", my heart rate begins to rise, my focus narrows and I begin to mentally prepare for a difficult encounter. It is helpful to consider what happens when we, or something that matters to us is challenged. When an individual's staunchly held beliefs are challenged it activates the more primitive parts of the human brain associated with our fight, flight or freeze response, i.e., we tend to perceive an existential threat. Although natural, that reaction severely impairs our ability to listen and possibly gain valuable insight essential to learning and enhancing our understanding of the people and the world around us. In simple terms, fear makes it difficult for us to listen objectively and attentively, to think clearly and to be empathetic.
Is it any wonder that when we find ourselves in conversations about politics or religion with those of opposing views, or are caught up in family tensions and discord that we either shut down or go on the offensive? While this insight into the underlying emotional and physical response to threatening conversations is important there remains a certain responsibility on our part, assuming we want to sustain and strengthen our relationships, to recognize what's happening and develop ways of coping that allow us to truly listen to one another. (I recommend listening to Brene' Brown's podcast in this regard.)
In her book, You're Not Listening, Kate Murphy, a Houston-based journalist, focuses on the fact that how well we listen determines how we love, learn and connect with one another. (Chapter 7 of the book deals with the fight, flight or freeze dynamic mentioned about.) In my own experience, based on fifty years of marriage to my first wife (yes, a bit of humor thrown in) learning to listen deeply and with empathy is foundational to learning to love. As Christians I believe we're all matriculated in the School of Love; enrollment is not optional and the curriculum can be quite challenging at times. Growing in our understanding of grace and being actively engaged in loving one another requires humility, perseverance and most importantly the leading and empowering of the Holy Spirit.
I share these thoughts in light of the hard conversations we may find ourselves in during an election year, in the middle of pandemic that has become politicized, and with heightened and ongoing social engagement around race and racism in our nation. It is almost impossible to avoid any or all of these topics when conversing with others. Some may have the option live alone on their own island. I do not.
Listening requires one to be open and vulnerable; a posture that may not feel safe or comfortable. We'd rather stay in a safe quiet place, a comfortable and predictable place. Yet, as disciples of Jesus we are to live out his reconciling love even when we're unsure of the outcome. I offer this excerpt from Wendell Berry's poem, The Country of Marriage, for reflection.
Sometimes our life reminds me
of a forest in which there is a graceful clearing
and in the opening a house,
an orchard and a garden,
comfortable shades, and flowers
red and yellow in the sun, a pattern
made in the light for the light to return to.
The forest is mostly dark, its ways
to be made anew day after day, the dark
richer than the light and more blessed,
provided we stay brave
enough to keep on going in.
While I may not graduate from the School of Love in this life time, I intend to continue to learn and advance, to practice, and to invite the Spirit to open me to a deeper understanding of what it means to love even in the face of uncomfortable circumstances and seemingly difficult people. Who knows, I might even discover something new and worthwhile I didn't know about the other person, the world around me, or even myself that will enable me understand what it means to love as God loves me.